This blog was originally posted yesterday, but Blogger went down, and took this post with it. If you already have this in your reader, I apologize for the extra post.
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All I wanted to do was spend a quiet afternoon working on our gardens. The weather was great. I was in the right mood, and the soil was calling my name. Max wasn’t sure digging was such a good idea, and decided he needed to scold me. As I walked from the house to the garage, Max ran back and forth, loudly protesting my presence. Maybe he resented the fun I was having, or maybe deep down inside he wanted to be the one digging in the dirt. Regardless, he protested loudly. I could handle Max making noise, it's what a dog does.
What I had a hard time understanding, was the multi-generational choir of noise directed at Max. Max is part of the family next door, and was visiting his owner's parents. As soon as Max started to bark, the cries of protest began. “Max, stop barking!”, “Quiet Max!”, “Sorry Bob, Max hates men!”, “Honey, shut that dog up!”. As I said, Max didn’t bother me. The family yelling bothered me. I could ignore the dog, but the tension level inside of me increased as the choir was hitting it's crescendo. I began to think that maybe I’d be better off hand splitting next year’s firewood instead of turning soil and sowing vegetable seeds. I didn't want to transfer the angst to the vegetables.
I decided to go ahead and turn over soil anyway. As I worked, I thought about situations people find themselves in during their life. We may see someone barking about something that upsets them. Their barking is enough to raise our tension level, and suddenly we are caught up in the drama created by someone else, and think we need to jump in and bark with (or against) them. Our attitude is directly impacted by someone else’s attitude. As we give in to the urge to bark along, we may suddenly find more people join the barking.
In some situations, barking is effective. If we witness a crime being committed, it's in our own best interest to collectively bark. The more noise we make, the more likely the crime will stop. But in most areas of our life, there is little reason to bark. Barking can quickly grow until it is just noise, and the noise alone becomes the reason to bark. Many forget the initial reason they started barking. Suddenly everyone is barking, and no one can be heard.
We can only control ourselves, and by controlling ourselves, we can influence others. Max barking at me didn’t get me to stop digging in the dirt. My neighbors and their family barking at Max didn’t get Max to stop barking. Was there a better way? Maybe our efforts should be focused on finding solutions, by identifying the issue that caused the barking, and making that go away.
I remained calm as I continued to think through the life lesson. I remembered times at work when people complained about their workload, yet never did anything to address it. Being a guy and wanting to fix things, rather than commiserate, I often had the urge to say "if you'd put effort into doing the work, instead of walking around complaining about it, you'd be a lot better off". I also wondered if they ever talked to their boss about the work inequity they were experiencing. Complaining to the crowd won't resolve these issues. Compelling others to complain with them won't resolve the issues. It would have been in everyone's best interest to not entertain the complaints, and move the person along to another topic. I found that if I changed the subject enough times with the complainer, the person would stop bringing the issue up with me, and move on to others. If everyone would do this, the complaints would go away, and maybe the person complaining would address the root cause of the issue.
What I had a hard time understanding, was the multi-generational choir of noise directed at Max. Max is part of the family next door, and was visiting his owner's parents. As soon as Max started to bark, the cries of protest began. “Max, stop barking!”, “Quiet Max!”, “Sorry Bob, Max hates men!”, “Honey, shut that dog up!”. As I said, Max didn’t bother me. The family yelling bothered me. I could ignore the dog, but the tension level inside of me increased as the choir was hitting it's crescendo. I began to think that maybe I’d be better off hand splitting next year’s firewood instead of turning soil and sowing vegetable seeds. I didn't want to transfer the angst to the vegetables.
I decided to go ahead and turn over soil anyway. As I worked, I thought about situations people find themselves in during their life. We may see someone barking about something that upsets them. Their barking is enough to raise our tension level, and suddenly we are caught up in the drama created by someone else, and think we need to jump in and bark with (or against) them. Our attitude is directly impacted by someone else’s attitude. As we give in to the urge to bark along, we may suddenly find more people join the barking.
In some situations, barking is effective. If we witness a crime being committed, it's in our own best interest to collectively bark. The more noise we make, the more likely the crime will stop. But in most areas of our life, there is little reason to bark. Barking can quickly grow until it is just noise, and the noise alone becomes the reason to bark. Many forget the initial reason they started barking. Suddenly everyone is barking, and no one can be heard.
We can only control ourselves, and by controlling ourselves, we can influence others. Max barking at me didn’t get me to stop digging in the dirt. My neighbors and their family barking at Max didn’t get Max to stop barking. Was there a better way? Maybe our efforts should be focused on finding solutions, by identifying the issue that caused the barking, and making that go away.
I remained calm as I continued to think through the life lesson. I remembered times at work when people complained about their workload, yet never did anything to address it. Being a guy and wanting to fix things, rather than commiserate, I often had the urge to say "if you'd put effort into doing the work, instead of walking around complaining about it, you'd be a lot better off". I also wondered if they ever talked to their boss about the work inequity they were experiencing. Complaining to the crowd won't resolve these issues. Compelling others to complain with them won't resolve the issues. It would have been in everyone's best interest to not entertain the complaints, and move the person along to another topic. I found that if I changed the subject enough times with the complainer, the person would stop bringing the issue up with me, and move on to others. If everyone would do this, the complaints would go away, and maybe the person complaining would address the root cause of the issue.
After about an hour, the choir of barking continued. My tactic wasn't working. So instead of ignoring the choir any longer, I addressed the choir - nicely (really). I called through the hedges, “Max isn’t bothering me. He started barking because he was excited. He would have lost interest in me very quickly. When you started yelling at him, he thought you were helping him bark at me. So he got excited to see that he was doing the right thing. The proof that he was right in doing this, is that others were joining him in the barking - he truly can’t understand English - so he barked more. How about if we all try ignoring him, and see if he settles down?”. To be honest, I wanted to say the "English" part, but left it out. Our neighbors are great. Max continued to bark, and I imagined the family cocking their heads, and looking quizzically at the shrubs.
This started a conversation over the fence at the end of the hedgerow. I showed the neighbors our cold frames, the seedlings we started, and talked about our gardens. Miraculously, Max quieted down, I put my hand over to say hello, and he sniffed and licked it. Game over. No need to bark now. I was part of his pack, and as such, part of his choir.
I’m sure Max will bark the next time he comes over, but am confident that if we change our behaviors, he will grow tired of the role he assumed he has - barking. I’m just not real sure the family will grow tired of the role. Just as it’s in the nature of Max to bark, it may be their nature to yell at Max. I may have to refine my approach to creating peace in the neighborhood. Do you think I can get the family to fetch sticks? This will keep them occupied, and Max can hang out with me and watch. "Look Max, Grandma just knocked over little Timmy to get ... oh never mind, you don't understand English."
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